By Jen Guidry
Every Halloween, parents do something that seems completely reasonable when their child gets scared. We tell them, “You’re OK. It’s not real. It’s just a costume. There’s nothing to be afraid of.” It sounds comforting and reassuring, yet parents are missing the point.
When a child sees a terrifying Halloween display and their heart starts racing, their body doesn’t care that the skeleton hanging from the tree is made of plastic. Their nervous system has already sounded the alarm. Telling them, “Don’t be scared,” doesn’t necessarily turn that alarm off. In fact, it can send a confusing message: You shouldn’t be feeling what you’re feeling.
As an emotional regulation expert and Certified Integrative Trauma Practitioner, I believe Halloween gives parents a surprisingly valuable opportunity to teach children something that will serve them far beyond October 31. This is the chance to show your kids how to experience fear without being controlled by it.
The goal shouldn’t be to raise children who never feel afraid. The goal is to raise children who know what to do when they feel scared.
Think about what happens when your child gets startled. Their heart pounds. Their muscles tense. They may freeze, scream, run or grab onto you. That’s not bad behavior. That’s the body doing exactly what it was designed to do when it perceives a threat. So instead of immediately saying, “There’s nothing to be scared of,” try acknowledging what is actually happening.
“You got scared. That really startled you.”
That simple statement validates the child’s experience without validating the idea that they are actually in danger. Then you can help them notice what happens next.
“Feel how fast your heart is beating? Let’s take a slow breath together.”
That’s a very different lesson from telling them, “Don’t be scared.”
You’re teaching your child that fear is something they can feel and allow their body to work through the uncomfortable feelings and remain in the situation.
Halloween is the perfect place to practice. Parents can even rehearse fear before trick-or-treating. Turn off the lights. Make a silly monster face. Playfully jump out from behind a door. Let your child experience a small, controlled startle and then practice what they can do with that surge of energy.
You aren’t trying to scare your child into being brave. You’re giving their nervous system a safe place to practice. I also encourage parents to give children more control than they might expect. Before trick or treating, ask them: “On a scale of 1 to 10, how scary do you want tonight to be?”
Maybe a three means costumes and decorated houses, but no haunted houses. A seven might mean they’re ready for something more intense.
Establish an escape route before you ever need one. Tell your child, “If it gets too scary, you can always come get me. You don’t have to stay.” The surprising part about that is knowing they can leave often makes children more willing to stay. When children feel trapped, fear tends to escalate. When they know they have a choice, they can approach the experience with more confidence.
When that scary moment inevitably comes, give them a physical tool they can actually use. Slow the breathing. Drop the shoulders. Unclench the hands. Feel their feet on the ground. Let the body settle before immediately running away from the experience.
This isn’t about forcing a child to confront something that genuinely terrifies them. Parents should never turn Halloween into an endurance test. It’s about teaching children that fear doesn’t automatically mean danger, and feeling afraid doesn’t mean they are powerless.
That’s a lesson they can carry into the classroom when they’re nervous about a test, or onto the field when they’re afraid of making a mistake. It can help them as their friendships develop and they’re worried about being rejected. Eventually, it’s going to make a big difference as they enter adulthood, when fear will show up in much bigger and less predictable ways.
This Halloween, maybe we should stop trying so hard to convince our kids that there is nothing to be afraid of. There will be scary things. There will be surprises. Their hearts will race. And that’s OK.
Instead of teaching them to run from fear or pretend they don’t feel it, we can teach them how to recognize it, regulate their bodies and move through it.
The most powerful thing a parent can say isn’t, “Don’t be scared.” It’s, “I know you’re scared. Let’s show you what you can do when you are.”
Jen Guidry is a Certified Integrative Trauma Practitioner and emotional regulation expert. https://thehighlevellife.com/